I’m not happy about that. I don’t want to be 50. I want to be 23 again. Todat has not been a great day for reasons I won’t go into here.
Looking back on my first half century, I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot, but I fear it may be too late to apply some of those lessons. Of course, I still have a lot to learn, too. Like so many others, I believe if I knew then what I know now, my life could have been much better.
Don’t get me wrong! I’ve done some fun and awesome things. I’ve loved some incredible women (all too few!) and I have developed some useful skills and a lucritive career.
The one thing I know is I love and I love romance and I am no Casanova. I know how to treat the one(s) I’m with, but I haven’t a clue how to initiate the courting. In short, I know how to love the one I’m with. I just don’t know how to get with someone to love.
Have I tried? Of course, I’ve tried. I’m creepy. Maybe I might not be these days, but I was once.
I spent my teen years in a paramilitary group (CAP) as a training officer and drill instructor. I spent a lot of my time learning to be intimidating. Apparently I was very good at this.
By college, I knew it and realized it wasn’t a healthy thing, so I started trying to be ….less intimidating. It was a lot harder than trying to BE intimidating.
About 6 or 7 years ago, a good friend took me aside and informed me that I was a “missing stair.” The whole concept of the missing stair infuriates me. If you know someone is a danger, they need to be told and their behavior corrected one way or another. When I brought this up, everyone said it wasn’t their responsibility. Maybe not. But allowing it to continue you become the accomplice. You know about it and you let it go on. From my conversation, I do recall one… only one… incident that may have been taken as what I was accused of. I was accused of being a predator. Not a rapist. Not a person who touched anyone inappropriately. But the incident I recall I was following someone to ensure their safety. I know now that’s not my job. They didn’t want me to do it. I stopped. But years later, the reputation of that persisted and no one told me for a long time.
Did this event, perpetuated so long contribute to my current situation? Yes. How much? I don’t know. What I DO know it that after my friend took me aside, I did a LOT of soul searching. Perhaps I over reacted. Since then I have become ….cold. I can no longer initiate anything even vaguely resembling caring for someone because when I did… I became a “missing stair”.
BECAUSE I care, I have become paralyzed by this moniker. When I tried to care, albeit in the wrong way way back then, I became labeled as a missing stair…. a predator. So now, I can’t bring myself to initiate …..anything…. that might remotely be construed as “creepy”.
I don’t know where to go from there. My last two relationships were initiated by the women I dated. If I talk about my feelings for anyone, I end up talking in an emotionless, logical, and direct manner. Maybe I am on the autistic spectrum and do not interpret subtle signals correctly. I need to be direct and I also need others to be direct to me.
For now, then, I’ll be emotionless and direct. If I tell you I like you, please take that as an attempt to court you or at least initiate a courtship. If you answer anything other than a direct and clear acceptance, I must presume your reply to be a rejection and I will act accordingly. Nothing but clear, enthusiastic consent will do.