I am remarkably thankful for the family I have. Over the years, my immediate family is growing smaller in number. I spent this year, like the last, with only my mother to share the day.
I watch on social media as my friends and colleagues spend Christmas with their children. It is, after all, a holiday that has come to be very child oriented.
Somehow it seems like I should have begun this day sleeping next to my love as our tiny offspring awakened us all too early, excited at what Santa had left under our tree. I should be wrangling the kids and making coffee, maybe eggs and bacon or warm oatmeal. Family photos in front of the tree and perhaps the fireplace.
For over 30 years, people told me that the right person will come along at the right time. I don’t have a lot of hope for that now. I don’t know what I might have done for the fates, gods, or whatever powers there are in the universe to deny me a life partner. I don’t know what I did to deserve the be alone in life. I don’t know what I did wrong. With every year that passes, my hope dwindles.
I don’t know what to do. All I can do is continue to live and be the best I can. Just in case.
Just in case someone does come along.