"I've never been lucky in love."
Among my friends, I have now heard of four weddings and two anniversaries this weekend. I hope for nothing be great happiness and prosperity for all those involved while I sit home alone knowing that with every day passing I have less of a chance of ever celebrating a wedding anniversary.
I am told that I’m lovable, even loved, but the big lie seems to be that I’ll find someone. Experience tells me otherwise, but I’d be happily proven wrong on this.
Who will prove me wrong here?
A recurring frustration is all the incredible women I love, but for many reasons, cannot woo. So many are not interested, not available. Of note is one, so wonderful and beautiful, but who has no romantic interest in men. She is brilliant and skilled and passionate in what she does.
With all that, she has no interest in men. The best I can do is be a good friend and turn my respect and admiration into something even a Puritan minister might approve.
Anniversaries are another thing that hits me as a micro aggression. This late in life, I envy those who celebrate their big number anniversaries as happy occasions.
These may be happy times for them, and I hope they enjoy them to the greatest extent possible.
To me they are reminders of my failure.
I’m sorry.
Do you have a lover? Maybe more than one?
If so, please go and show them love for me.
I want so much to lavish my love on someone intimate, but despite many friends and associates, even some close friends, even this kind of intimacy feels profoundly inappropriate. And it is. For me.
So snuggle up. Squeeze a little. Give a little kiss.
And appreciate your partner(s).
It is amazing how rejection sensitivity is so easily triggered, but more so how commonly it happens.
Every time I see two people holding hands, kissing, or just goofing around like lovers are apt to do, every act of intimacy, it hurts. It feels like a slight every time I am reminded that “there is someone for everyone” and that “everyone” does not seem include me.
Oh, I’m not blaming them. They are having a great time and I’ll gladly give them that.
I’m just hurt that I’ve failed to establish that sort of relationship with anyone and I’m frustrated that I literally don’t know how to even begin. Friends? I can do that. Intimacy is a whole other matter.
And that’s what this site is all about.
People tell me “be yourself” and then turn around and tell me “you sound sad and lonely. No onw wants to date someone sad and lonely”. So I put the sad and lonely stuff here.
If you like it, awesome.
But I need to get it out of my system. At least here, my friends don’t have to see it come across their social media feeds.